tuna

she's a permanent fixture

deep inside my heart, if she didn't eat those leftover beans last night

when she woke bright and early this morning

even before her morning coffee

i thought i heard her fart

she said it must be the wind

she said the walls are thin

she also denied

not wearing her depends

adult diapers

great northern

he was probably the best looking dude you'd ever want to meet he was around six one in height with flowing blond hair and a physic that drove the ladies wild, the girls didn't even seem to mind that he was plagued with B.O., it really wasn't conventional body aroma it was bean oder, that probably was due to his love for beans. when he was a few years younger he was a fair athlete and for a moment wondered about a career playing baseball but when it came to choosing anything he'd always choose beans.

his mother and father were planning for him to go to college, he would have been the first in his family to go to college, his father was a foreman at a local factory it was a job that he never really cared for but had always managed to put away several dollars a week in freddie's college fund but several years back after high school graduation freddie was about to sign his application to the local college where he planned on attending when his mother called to him for supper and she had prepared his favorite,"baked beans," freddie never seemed to get back to signing the application he'd put it off. he began putting off more and more things such as personal hygiene, looking for some sort of employment, and I'm sure there was more. he also began associating with a different type of people, people that were drunkards,homeless,addicted to bingo, drugs and/or alcohol. freddie didn't seem to care about anybody or anything just eating beans, he did have a girl friend "tina," but she soon grew tired of freddie's constant Oder,compulsion for beans, and inability to make any sort of commitment to her, so freddie and tina soon went there separate ways. with tina gone freddie ate beans full bore, he began eating beans for breakfast and throughout the day, everyday. did you ever see the charlie brown cartoons? they were on usually in the evenings, well do you remember the one character "pig pen?" remember how he was enveloped in a fog of filth, well freddie had that fog around him but it was a fog of methane created by mass quantities of beans.

after years of a steady diet of beans, freddie's health was great, possibly because beans are
the magical, musical fruit freddie's father passed on but his mother allowed him to stay in the garage just as long as he kept the door up and had a exhaust fan running to carry away his flatulence, the smell was unbearable it always smelled like sulphur and rotting aardvarks , freddie's mother would hose him off at least once a week and douse him with cheap cologne so the neighbors wouldn't complain. in the garage freddie had a hot-plate and always had a pot of soup beans on, freddie was constantly experimenting and creating new and different bean recipes, he made a small fortune with some of his bean recipes and even wrote several bean cook books.

several years after freddie made his fortune in beans he met an attractive woman who happened to love beans nearly as much as he did but they soon divorced after she suggested adding baking soda to some of freddies world famous recipes in an attempt to calm down freddies flatulence it seemed that he loved the flatulence nearly as much as the taste of the beans .

now he was getting older but still had beans to eat, freddie discovered that mixing or baking great northern Lima beans with your standard navy bean created an almost deadly flatulence, the methane was so great that you'd want to be outside while eating them and be sure there are no open flames, as freddie discovered at an inside christmas party at a relatives house.





freddie was rarely invited to any social functions but one christmas, or a week or two before christmas, freddie was invited along with his mother to his great-aunt's for Christmas cookies, several games, turkey and baked beans with great northern beans, added to the baked beans ,"one of freddies recipe's,"after all it is christmas. freddie ate several cookies, a turkey sandwich and a generous portion of the baked beans, maybe even two generous portions then he warmed himself by uncle roy's fire he warmed his backside and very quietly cut the cheese and nearly ruined the christmas tree, fortunately freddies uncle roy had a fire extinguisher so it appeared the tree had a lite dusting of snow on it, actually it was sort of pretty but freddies aunt's eyebrows were missing so freddie apologized and headed for the kitchen to see if there were leftover beans.

hannah,almost 3(in san diego),cute

 

 

spaghetti-o's(FANS OF FOOD)

he'd always been foods biggest fan not that he was overweight, well maybe a little. he could no longer fit into his high school blue jeans or breath like a normal human being, at least not after going up more than one flight of stairs in fact even thinking about going up stairs would cause him to lose his breath but he hadn't been ill in years except around six months ago when he had a nasty ear infection, because of the infection his ears were clogged and it sounded to him like all noise was coming from a cave. he went to his doctor where he gave the receptionist his medicare card then followed a nurse for several routine tests, temperature, blood pressure, height, and WEIGHT! he was then instructed to go into a small room and wait on the doctor, after an eternity of waiting and after not reading the current magazines found in the small waiting room because he forgot his glasses and couldn't possibly see the small print but he could almost guess what the pictures were so he had to be satisfied with distorted views.


finally after nearly an hour of waiting the doctor arrived, checking his chest,throat,eyes,and at last those nasty clogged ears. the doctor was a woman around 35, and she too,"obviously," was a lover of food, but had a friendly personality. she then informed him she would have to send a nurse in to flush his ears out, they were thoroughly clogged and she couldn't see a thing. so after another hour of waiting a different nurse came in, a nurse he hadn't seen before, she reminded him of lulu on hee haw a show from the 70's that played country music and he detested most country music. she was also wearing hospital scrubs, so here she was the nurse from hell,scrub wearing, over weight"before hee haw's lulu went on a diet," and she also had possibly the worst breath of all time she must of had bologna with kerosene for lunch. and she wanted to flush his ear out with a syringe, and warm saline water.



the nurse flushed out some of the nastious looking crap he had ever seen in his life and while flushing he was exposed to the horrible breath of the nurse from hell but after she was done she left but her breath remained, and after nearly another hour of waiting for the doctor to reappear the nurse's breath was still there and i'm sure the doctor was wondering if he cut the cheese.

tex

my older brother was a really good guy, he always did extremely well in school, i should say he always did great in school, he never got anything below an A, i don't know if i was proud or pissed off, since i was more the average student? after high school he went off to college where he continued his streak of A's and also learned a language or two along the way. after college graduation he got a job at a university, "he said on a visit home," somewhere in southeast asia. after several years he married a girl he had met at the university and brought her back home on one of his visits, she even looked a little asian. tex,"that's what my grandfather used to call him and everyone called him," eventually since he hated the name norman that my mom seemed to like","she was the only one that called him norman." so tex,"norman," was a married man living in southeast asia, teaching at a university, or at least that's what we thought, actually he'd been living in a cardboard box not more than 10 minutes from where we are now, the girl,"his supposed wife," was just a homeless friend he had met somewhere" maybe in an adjacent cardboard dwelling." we later found out tex was addicted to necco's, the sweet candy waffer's that as a small child he seemed so found of. we couldn't believe that he or anyone could waste there earnings on candy and all tex could say is,"my favorite are the green ones", but personally i prefer the white, especially with fish.

what?

it was just a moment ago, i was younger and wondering which way to go and what to do, so i blinked and here i am it's thirty(+/-) years later and i'm still wondering,and somewhere and somehow during that blink i found you. gini

toasty

when larry was growing up he always attended church but he never really was a firm believer he did go to sunday school and church,possibly to keep his mother happy. he sang the songs was an acolyte, put his quarter in the donation plate, was in the church's youth group, went to the church's christmas events, every year where they brought in possibly the most realistic looking santa claus larry had ever seen, and that has absolutely nothing to do with church. but after all that larry still was confused about religion. larry wondered with the earth's billions of people and the many different religions how his religion was the only "right" religion and everyone else was wrong and would therefore be spending eternity in hell?

HELL? larry had some trouble understanding hell. it didn't seem to larry that hell could be a whole lot worse than things are now, minus the air-conditioning and the weenies and marsh-mellows for roasting. and just if his religion was the only "right" religion then hell would have to be a very spacious place(besides hot),possibly like the DMV when the air-conditioning is on the blink?

larry thought about religion occasionally but was still confused he thought just maybe it was all a matter of just being a good dude, isn't that what it's all about? and larry did try to be good, and obeying the 10 commandments and some of the teachings in the bible, not because they're "in" the bible just because it is all part of trying to be a good dude, and that's the way he was brought up.