and now

that i'm older whenever i watch athletic events i have this strange notion that i could probably do whatever sport or whoever the athlete may be better than they're doing it. what a tremendous ass.

although getting older certainly does suck, time definitely has left it's tell tale signs on me aside from shrinking , becoming real,real ugly, finding aches and pains that weren't there when i was younger, and i'm sure there's more that i'm probably forgetting. it's really strange how i can get hurt(have pains) from doing nothing(i don't get it? Getting oldèr is hard work and ît doesn't pay well.

So

   After 31 years of marriage, 2 children, and 3 grand children a truck-load of despair. I've always tried to be a good husband, father, and grandfather, even standing by when she was troubled.

I still think it's the medicaton(after fruit loops)

     1992 was my summer "in hell," not that the house wasn't nice enough, or the people but the ambience at least for me was one of just wanting to be home and being normal but this wasn't to be and wasn't to be what at the time seemed like forever.
     In 1994 after three fun filled months in hell we moved to the farm, "that's hell in '92, farm in '94." At first farm life was fun and very busy, at the time our son was in fourth grade, the house needed a lot of cleaning up and my wife seemed content with the help of anti-depressants.
     My wife's father aside from being a horrible father for divorcing his children along with the mother of his children was also a horrible farmer(not spending hundreds of dollars on something and simply losing thousands in the long run). So I was very busy being a dairy farmer and loving it working 60 hours a week dairy farming,loving my wife and child, cleaning up the farm,etc.And every second of it I loved even though I was still disabilded but that didn't seem to matter cutting wood,running a haybine, throwing silage,baling hay,repairing or replacing Windows,hauling or loading manure, and the list goes on and on. Like I said before my wife's father had been an awful father and a horrible farmer but he was honestly a nice guy. It was during this time(maybe a year earlier) he finally divorce's
the 7 times married before,ex-prostitute,piece of work, and makes an attempt at making things right with his children, but never apologizes for the absent years and treating his own children like stray dogs. Although he does move in with his ex-wife as though this will make things right for the years of mental abuse. Although he did have a brief affair with a woman that his sons and daughter's seem to have forgotten about, so I guess that doesn't count.
     1995: and things seem to be going good my wife has a daughter a beautiful girl, our son is 10 in the fifth grade, I'm busy as ever dairy farming,making home repairs,  and being a loving husband and dad. During this time I'm sure there were several medicatiôn issues where the medication was no
longer working as it should, maybe her dr. would switch medications or whatever nothing to get stirred up about then in 2004 the "sh*t hits the fan " another time. It seemed to correlate with our sons graduation from high-school but she was an absolute mess and I'm getting older but still able to farm and be a supportive husband and father.
    In 2006 things wére going fine the wife seemed to be feeling well our son graduated into the marine's at Paris island,South Carolina(we attended) the stars must have been aligned.
     The years following till now:things seemed to be going fine we were growing older with the occasional mental hiccup possibly due to getting use to a medication, a different medicatiôn,  there was a time that even her dad took her to the emergency room because I was simply getting tired of the whole thing,"that wasn't being a good husband," now I see but I just quit, I quit the farm,I quit caring so after thirty-one years two children and three grandchildren we were through