the almost ripe but not quite, killer tomato

rupert always enjoyed gardening probably more than most and now that he was retired he planned on spending the majority of his time in the garden tending to his vegetables. maggie, ruperts wife, was also a retiree, she had taught school for more than 35 years, and now ,"she'd tell rupert," it was," me," time. winter was finally coming to a close, the robins were building there nests and the trees were getting there leaves back. rupert woke up one morning and told maggie,"i think i'll till,and plant the garden today, it's lovely out and i'd like the plants to get an early start." so rupert ate his breakfast, probably pop tarts, he always loved pop tarts and maggie made,"the best," pop tarts everytime to ruperts specifications, almost burnrt. after finishing the last bite of his brown sugar cinnomen, nearly burnt pop tart he went to the small garden shed in the rear of his yard, the shed was in horrible shape but he never got around to cleaning it up, it's not that rupert was lazy, it's just that something was always coming up. next door to rupert and maggie lived stu, everyone said he was gay but rupert never saw him with anyone, boy or girl. but stu loved his pit bulls, he must have had five or six, and rupert noticed they were always different. there was talk around town that stu and his buddies where using dogs for dog fighting, but no one actually had proof. rupert got his rotatiller and several garden tools out, first he dumped out the old gas, added some fresh gas and the rotatiller started right up, rupert headed for the garden and began the tilling job. after he had gone over it several times he walked back to the garden shed and got the tomato plants, along with seeds, the water hose, and some fertilizer he made himself, last winter in the basement while maggie was watching her favorite soap opera, he put some weird things in a tub and mixed them together, they weren't all weird but the nuclear industrial waste seemed sort of odd. rupert had started three of the tomato plants, he'd started them in late february and he knew that it wouldn't be to long before he and maggie would be eating garden fresh tomato's," he liked,alot." he also liked the other vegetables,but there was something about tomato's that he really loved but he never really cared for them while growing up. it had been several weeks and rupert had been weeding and rotatilling his garden on an almost daily basis, maggie walked out to the garden and couldn't believe how great it looked,their was excitement in her voice when she praised rupert,"look there's already tomato's starting." several more weeks go by and with rupert's rotatilling, weeding and applications of his homemade fertilizer rupert has a award winning garden, alot of the townspeople notice and comment to rupert or maggie. rupert just lately had been noticeing that something had been getting into the tomato plants, rupert was really mad because the plants were just startng to put on tomato's. rupert sat up one night till 3am hopeing he could see what had been getting into his garden, he thought it was probably a rabbit or possibly a growndhog. at around 2:30 rupert saw something that he referred to as disgusting, it seemed that one of stu's pit bulls were in the garden haveing it's way with the tomato plants(humping). rupert was really mad and took a shot at him, he had know idea if he actually hit the dog since the light was horrible, rupert wasn't a very good shot, and rupert purchased the gun at an auction several years earlier. but the dog yelped and rupert never had problems with his garden again. it must have been around 1 month later that maggie and rupert decided to have blt's(bacon,letttuce&tomato sandwich), for supper, maggie was crazy for blt's especially with garden fresh tomato's. she'd fried up the bacon, had the lettuce in the refrigerator,and rupert told her there were several nearly ripe, slightly green tomato's in the garden. maggie walked to the garden with one of those plastic grocery bags from wally world or somewhere. it was nearly dark when maggie got to the garden, she watered the pepper plants with the hose rupert forgot to put away earlier in the day, then she noticed a shooting pain in her right arm,she was wondering if it was a heart attack but she had always heard that your left arm goes numb, she was beside the tomato's and rupert had constructed a sturdy fence for the tomato's to grow on, so the tomato's weren't damaged when maggie leaned against them, they weren't quite ripe. then she looked at her right arm, it was missing and the blood was squirting out where the arm should be. the tomato was eating her and there was nothing she could do. maggie dropped to the ground while the tomato feasted, what a way to go. later rupert went to the garden, he knew maggie was planning on having blt's for supper but he couldn't understand what was takeing her so long. when rupert arrived at the garden there was know trace of maggie the tomato had devoured her clothes and all their were no remains, the light didn't allow rupert to even see maggie's wedding ring. rupert was also eaten by the killer tomato.the only thing that i can figure out is rupert's homemade fertilizer combined with the pit bull sperm made for a killer tomato.

a bird

your family loves you, i love you, so don't do anything in a bad moment, don't do anything stupid

2009

they came home, nightly with durian on there breath. they wore the same t-shirt that read,"hey,hey we're the monkees." and they didn't mind what anyone said. after missing there 35th high school reunion they didn't seem to care until they heard what was on the dessert tray. my favorite and yours. but tastes change.

hair ball

he was always just your ordinary blue collar, hard working, family guy, who when younger didn't believe in the easter bunny but did believe in santa claus but only for a short while. when he was younger he was involved with the drug scene for a short while but really didn't care for the effects.he was currently renting a small house near fallsburg in central ohio with his wife and four beagles, and 14 cats, he liked his dogs but never really cared for cats,"but his wife liked them." in the summer of 1999 two dogs, and he went to lake otto fishing, he'd been there fishing before and at times it was a good place to fish for blue gills or sometimes bass. he'd always enjoyed fishing and he really needed a break from his job and the rat race. he definately could use a little relaxation. lake otto was within miles of fallsburg, with many beautiful trees and a forest that went east behind it for miles. there was also a boat at lake otto that the owner would at times allow him to use for a few extra bucks. he arrived at lake otto but before leaveing home and kissing his wife goodbye he ate some left-overs and cut the grass. after cutting the grass he was still hungry so he found some leftover baked beans in the refrigerator, he'd always been baked beans biggest fan. he then grabbed his fishing pole, dogs,and cooler and drove off for a day of fishing and relaxation. after arriveing at lake otto he paid the owner and asked him whether or not the fish were bitting, the owner assured me there had been some good size bass and blue gills caught and even a few catfish.i remembered to rent the boat then drove 500 yards, maybe a little further and noticed i was the only one there, which was fine by me. so it was me and my two dogs on a good size lake and it was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, not hot, not cold, not windy, just great. lake otto has a shelter house and that's where the boat was, a small wooden row boat that had several years on it but was fine with me. i let the dogs run free,"since no one was there," grabbed my pole and cooler a rowed off for the big one, and at last some mush needed relaxation. he'd rowed a hundred yards or so when he remembered he'd left his whacky tobaccy so he rowed back to his truck by the shelter house and retieved it. by this time it must have been 3pm, still plenty of time to catch "the big one," or whatever he happened to snag. he rowed and rowed fishing, takeing breaks for refreshments, that he had in my cooler, relaxing with herbal assistance, he wasn't catching any fish and he really didn't mind. several hours later, he had rowed, and fished practicly the entire length of the lake and he knew it was time to head back so it wouldn't be pitch black when he arrived at the shelter but before he started back he wanted to check out the scenary on this side of the lake. he headed for the shoreline, looking for a safe spot where he could tie up the boat and get out without hurting myself. he found the spot quickly and after tieing off and getting off, began walking around by this time it might have been nearly eight, he knew there was enough daylight left, but to be on the safe side he thought he shouldn't be to long. he walked for a short while he thought and he couldn't even see the lake, it made him nervous losing site of the lake, so he turned around and headed back, at least he thought he was retracing his steps. he walked for a few minutes and thought that he should be seeing the lake by now but no lake, where was the lake and just how did he lose his way? so he kept on walking and searching, he felt a little scared and foolish, and he knew the lake had to be just ahead, but it wasn't. several hours later he was still searching, and had walked what seemed like miles. he noticed some huge rocks ahead and knew they weren't near the lake but they looked fascinateing so he thought he might as well investicate them. it was then he decided on the whacky tobaccy, and shortly after he saw something that looked and smelled like nothing had ever before. he had stumbled onto a bigfoot,"sasquatch" and the smell and site was like nothing he had ever seen or smelled. luckily the bigfoot was asleep and he kept very quiet so he wouldn't wake him, but the smell was like nothing else,like rotting durian fruit in the summer sun, and the size was enormous, possibly nine feet. several minutes went by and sammy, "what he liked to call him," woke up, the bigfoot seemed to be more afraid of him than he was of it, if that was possible, in the end they became close, good friends, pals, even though they couldn't verbally communicate, which just goes to show you,"?."