great northern

he was probably the best looking dude you'd ever want to meet he was around six one in height with flowing blond hair and a physic that drove the ladies wild, the girls didn't even seem to mind that he was plagued with B.O., it really wasn't conventional body aroma it was bean oder, that probably was due to his love for beans. when he was a few years younger he was a fair athlete and for a moment wondered about a career playing baseball but when it came to choosing anything he'd always choose beans.

his mother and father were planning for him to go to college, he would have been the first in his family to go to college, his father was a foreman at a local factory it was a job that he never really cared for but had always managed to put away several dollars a week in freddie's college fund but several years back after high school graduation freddie was about to sign his application to the local college where he planned on attending when his mother called to him for supper and she had prepared his favorite,"baked beans," freddie never seemed to get back to signing the application he'd put it off. he began putting off more and more things such as personal hygiene, looking for some sort of employment, and I'm sure there was more. he also began associating with a different type of people, people that were drunkards,homeless,addicted to bingo, drugs and/or alcohol. freddie didn't seem to care about anybody or anything just eating beans, he did have a girl friend "tina," but she soon grew tired of freddie's constant Oder,compulsion for beans, and inability to make any sort of commitment to her, so freddie and tina soon went there separate ways. with tina gone freddie ate beans full bore, he began eating beans for breakfast and throughout the day, everyday. did you ever see the charlie brown cartoons? they were on usually in the evenings, well do you remember the one character "pig pen?" remember how he was enveloped in a fog of filth, well freddie had that fog around him but it was a fog of methane created by mass quantities of beans.

after years of a steady diet of beans, freddie's health was great, possibly because beans are
the magical, musical fruit freddie's father passed on but his mother allowed him to stay in the garage just as long as he kept the door up and had a exhaust fan running to carry away his flatulence, the smell was unbearable it always smelled like sulphur and rotting aardvarks , freddie's mother would hose him off at least once a week and douse him with cheap cologne so the neighbors wouldn't complain. in the garage freddie had a hot-plate and always had a pot of soup beans on, freddie was constantly experimenting and creating new and different bean recipes, he made a small fortune with some of his bean recipes and even wrote several bean cook books.

several years after freddie made his fortune in beans he met an attractive woman who happened to love beans nearly as much as he did but they soon divorced after she suggested adding baking soda to some of freddies world famous recipes in an attempt to calm down freddies flatulence it seemed that he loved the flatulence nearly as much as the taste of the beans .

now he was getting older but still had beans to eat, freddie discovered that mixing or baking great northern Lima beans with your standard navy bean created an almost deadly flatulence, the methane was so great that you'd want to be outside while eating them and be sure there are no open flames, as freddie discovered at an inside christmas party at a relatives house.





freddie was rarely invited to any social functions but one christmas, or a week or two before christmas, freddie was invited along with his mother to his great-aunt's for Christmas cookies, several games, turkey and baked beans with great northern beans, added to the baked beans ,"one of freddies recipe's,"after all it is christmas. freddie ate several cookies, a turkey sandwich and a generous portion of the baked beans, maybe even two generous portions then he warmed himself by uncle roy's fire he warmed his backside and very quietly cut the cheese and nearly ruined the christmas tree, fortunately freddies uncle roy had a fire extinguisher so it appeared the tree had a lite dusting of snow on it, actually it was sort of pretty but freddies aunt's eyebrows were missing so freddie apologized and headed for the kitchen to see if there were leftover beans.