Presidential debate and chili cookoff-2012

months before the election i'd like to see them put the presidential candidates through a more rigorous test. before the election  we (voters) would like to become aware of their feelings on things like social security, healthcare, economy.deficit and more
but shouldn't we also find out for the various reasons things like:Jello Shots exactly how many Jello Shots can be consumed before this person(who may or may not be our next president) becomes a total fool? Next maybe Dancing: the united states is being represented and being just "ok" is not an option,"i'd hate to be embarrassed ." some athletic event or events Dodge ball: something to show the candidates quickness, cunning,etc. Doobie rolling: Beer Pong, Dumpster Diving, etc.

the candidates are almost always in the upper class yet they're representing all classes shouldn't they find out how the various classes exist by living the life of a common man/woman at least for a short period of time.

kirkjubol witchtrial of 1656,iceland

                           
in 1656 kirkjubol,iceland(possibly colder than a well digger's butt) a church dude(priest) blamed a father and son because the church dude was constantly cutting the cheese(farting) so the church dude had dad and son barbecued(burned at the stake) for being witches. i later learned they drowned women and fried men.(i think i'd rather drown?). another interesting fact is: the father and son who were fried sang in the church dudes choir.(i wonder if they sang off key?) but come on farting? and they weren't even the ones doing the farting.

after they fried dad and son the church dude(priest) was still plagued with the toots so he goes after the daughter of the man they just fried but they ended up letting her go but to make things even worse the church dude takes procession of all of dad's things(property,toys,etc.) but fortunately it was 1656 and snowmobile's weren't heard of yet.

everyone farts(even Priest's and super-model's)

the vietnam war

i was born in 1956 to young for direct involvement with the vietnam war but old enough to know that it was going on. my brother who's a professor and lives in singapore is only 11 months older than me and he has visited vietnam and the other south eastern Asiatic countries, he tells me the majority of people are younger than 30 and weren't even born while the war was going on. my brother tells me(at least in Vietnam) they call it "the american war?"

my first recollection of the vietnam war was when i was in elementary school possibly around 1965, i remember having absolutely no knowledge about the war except that it was going on, i also remember hearing "The ballad of the Green Beret" about this time. several years later after hearing small bits about the war i can recall in 1967 hearing about a farmer's(charles cooper) son being killed by shrapnel in vietnam, i also recall watching the news and it seems like almost nightly the death toll would be in the thousands.

i paid little attention but it's obvious many of the young kids were paying close attention.Next thing i knew it was 1969 with charles manson the beatles and my personal discovery of girls i didn't have time for the vietnam war although 1000's daily were still being killed. i can still remember sitting in seventh grade ohio history and the draft lottery was on a wheeled in T.V. a fellow 7th graders brother who was a senior in high school was on his way to vietnam or dodging the draft in canada (i never heard). also the Woodstock music festival went on featuring at least some musical acts protesting the war.

next came high school in 1971 young kids were still dying by the truckloads, every now and then on the news they'd show P.O.W.'s getting home, and somewhere between 1971-75 patti hearst did her thing, richard nixon did his watergate(resignation)"I am not a crook" crap, and mama "cass" choked on a ham sandwich?

i later found out there was a kid who dropped out of school who had been in my class but he had been shipped to vietnam. i think his name was bill lacy? i never did hear what became of him.

the war ended in 1975 and all the united states gained was some horrid scar's.

unusually in the kitchen

there's some people that i don't know
all that well but
it seems like they're always in the kitchen
justa bitch'n in the kitchen

and then they toot there own horn

always in the kitchen

alien abduction and dental floss

it was in 1997 when i was driving home after a late night get together and hog roast with friends and some friends of friends people that i really didn't know but they came for some of the same reasons as i did and that was to eat pork and drink alcoholic beverages(with an emphasis on the beverages). we'd eaten to our hearts content and everyone at the get together was sufficiently brain-dead when they decided it was time to go. i remember thinking to myself "i wish i had  dental floss" when i first noticed a strange light in the sky. the floss was because there was something  lodged between my teeth and gums and i really wasn't sure if it was a sliver of pork or if it could have been the corn on the cob? i've always loved fresh sweet-corn soaked in butter with ample salt and pepper sprinkled on it and i'd like if it was real butter not margarine if possible but i hated the fact that corn on the cob gets stuck between your teeth i guess it's just the price you've got to pay but especially my teeth since unfortunately i was born with a gap in my front teeth and there must be some space between my other teeth because food sure likes to get stuck back there and i'm constantly having to brush and floss to prevent cavities although even though i do have above average oral hygiene i still have a truck-load of fillings. due to my oral dilemma and the strange lights in the sky it made driving a real challenge since i've never been the type of person who could combine more than one task at a time. that's when i decided to pull the car over to the side of the road and observe these strange lights that had been becoming brighter constantly for the last several miles.

it was the summer in central ohio so it was warm outside and slightly humid but tolerable and on this particular night there wasn't a cloud in the sky. i thought that maybe the light could be an airplane or maybe a helicopter but there wasn't any sound coming from the light. i stood outside my car which happened to be a rambler classic 1963, i'd had that car for a long time so it looked horrible but it always started and i didn't have to worry about a scratch or even a fender bender since it was built like a brick shit-house and was painted partially with primer and love, or to clarify myself i had started to do some body work but never got around to completing the job so the car looked like it was camouflaged with grey primer and the original green car color although the green had faded leaving it looking hideous with the grey primer sprayed on here and there.

i stood outside the car looking at the lights and wondering "what the hell is it?" and it couldn't have been more than a few hundred yards away. then suddenly the lights were coming closer and if it wasn't for the fact that i had had just a little to much to drink and eat i probably would have been scared but i did so i was curious and then it landed not more than one-hundred feet from where i was standing, the glare from the lights made it impossible to tell exactly what had just landed i was paralyzed i couldn't yell or move. i have never believed in little green men,santa claus or the easter bunny but here they were walking towards me and my parked rambler classic whatever it was was colored exactly like the rambler a faded green with gray splotches.

the next thing i knew i was on board their space-craft being probed but between probings i did have the presence of mind "although communication was difficult" to ask them for some dental floss fortunately they had a tool made just for that.

i woke up several hours later driving the rambler classic and questioning my ability to consume as many refreshments as i could in my younger days although i can't explain the loss of time. i was feeling fine with the exception of a tingling sensation in an orifice or two but i no longer required dental floss.

end of beans(the return of the baked beans)

it's the year 4325 and the world and the majority of it's inhabitants are gone but it's sunny not a cloud in the sky if it wasn't for all this senseless destruction and the occasional rotting corpse you'd think to yourself "what a superb time to be alive" but there has been years of war and the population has been thinned out dramatically but it's a day that before the war i'd probably spend cruising around with my jet-pack(after all it is 4325,and things have changed), or maybe i'd teleport a doobie to a friend halfway around the world,  but i'm stuck scavenging, trying to find a can or two of beans just to survive. luckily i find an abandoned Mom and Pop grocery store that had enough beans to last me till doomsday(which may be sooner rather than later) especially since i left my can opener in my other jacket, fortunately this grocery store must have a can opener or something i can use to get into the beans. i find it odd(while i'm looking and rummaging through the store i'm thinking) that in these thousands of years since they've been storing foods they still require the use of a can opener,"oh frick'n well." and then i find one.

while i was searching i find a casserole dish and i think how good hot baked beans would be(just like mom used to make but minus the bacon due to the world coming to an end). and then proving the existence of God i find a can opener, i then build a fire, fill the casserole dish, and bake the beans campfire method. fortunately in my quest for the can opener i found some Bean-o, once again proving that God exists even in the little things.

URIN-NATOR

when he was younger he was involved in the school athletics's program, physically fit but to shy to excel at any one particular sport but since his days at school were far behind him he had let himself physically go his six pack abs had become twelve pack possibly a case or on certain days a keg abs, also his boyish good looks had gone straight to hell.( in his own mind),when he was younger he could have been a model, now when he said he needed his beauty sleep he certainly meant it. he began looking like the majority of people in the fast food line of your local burger joint and speaking of joints there was hardly a time in the past several years that there wasn't a cigarette or marijuana joint dangling from his powty lips. he found that when his reality was altered by smoking whacky-tobaccy he had an imaginary strength giving him some sort of super-human capabilities that straight he wouldn't think of attempting. also when he had on a good buzz it made him just a little less shy making it just a little easier picking up women(although those women were required to be seeing impaired without morals if possible)..

one particular saturday night he and a friend were just setting around smoking and drinking and being thoroughly obnoxious when they decided he should take it upon himself to punish the ones that had made his life just a little more stressful than it needed to be. they also decided,"possibly due to their altered frame of mind" that a name was called for and some sort of outfit or costume. at the time they couldn't think of a good name but it just so happened there were some old Halloween costume's and accessories in a nearby closet so he began trying things on, he and his friend decided that for his costume a richard nixon mask, antennas(from the year he dressed like an alien), and a tight black leotard body suit that left very little to the imagination it accentuated his beer gut and manhood.

they came to the conclusion that he would be a cross between robin hood,burl ives(who did the narration in the movie rudolph the red nose reindeer), and the Pillsbury doh boy.his friend thought he looked fairly repulsive and thoroughly ridiculous in his outfit but he knew that with the right amount of alcohol in his bloodstream his appearance wouldn't matter, at least to him.he also thought that all super-hero's needed a name so he put a duct tape "U" on his chest and christianed him urin-nator was born(champion to all).

eventually he made it to the car and was on his way to righting societies injustices when the small town's only policeman pulled him over and arrested him for D.U.I.(driving under the influence). so he spent his first evening as a super-hero at the county jail.

when he finally woke the following day his dreams of being a super-hero seemed to have vanished so he threw his outfit away keeping only the "Richard Nixon" mask and wearing it on special occasions and saying "I am not a crook" sounding similar to richard nixon himself.

end of beans

it's the year 4325 and there's a war that nearly causes the extinction of mankind.earth's few inhabitants that are left alive live by their wits scavenging just to survive. surviving on beans (one of the only foods that survived the war), there are several other foods available for consumption ,(such as spam)although survivors find that beans offer more nutrition, are better tasting, not that spam isn't tastey but beans are easily transported(for the survivor on the go), and can be eaten hot or cold, baked or plain(depending entirely on a survivors mood or preference). the survivor's all seem to have a sense of humor about their predicament along with a nasty case of gas making sneaking up on anyone impossible due to the oder and the sound(threat of theft has been eliminated) the survivors of this bean eating apocalyptic event begin squabbling over the small piece or piece's of fat, bacon or whatever that may have been put in the can for that down-home flavor.

the survivor's will barter for beans and/or anything that make survival just a tad easier. there's a plan amongst the survivors to re-populate the earth(at least this was discussed at the "annual survivors sing-a-long and bean recipe swap) but again due to the nasty smell, intercourse is only accomplished on a bet. thus the population of the earth and the remaining inhabitants may dwindle into obscurity which poses the question."ARE THERE BEANS IN HEAVEN" and how does the taliban feel about beans,virgins and Lysol?

scarlet and grey

it was the first game this year for the ohio state buckeye's football team(even though i'll soon be 56 i had butterflies like a school-girl waiting on her date before the prom and she's just eaten an enormous bowl of soup beans) and as usual my brother and i listened to the game(my brother said he had butterflies too) via skype he's in singapore and i'm in newark, ohio in the usa. i suppose you could say we're hard-core buckeye fans but we've been following the buckeyes for years and years, i can remember watching the buckeyes with my father who died of cancer over 20 years ago) and my two brothers in the 1960's. this year seemed somehow different than the games of the past and it wasn't the fact that this year they have a new coach that they were forced to get after last years scandal(although he is a very good coach) and it wasn't that skype didn't come in perfectly throughout the game because it worked fine, at first we had some difficulty with the headphones but we soon remedied that before the game began and the buckeye's did win the game with a score of 55-10(after all they were playing miami of ohio). the first quarter ohio state played pitifully but by the second quarter they'd got their act together.

the game is played at 12:00 noon in ohio but it would be mid-night in singapore so i guess you could say my brother's a devoted hard-core buckeye fan. he graduated sometime in the late seventies and lived at the stadium dorm meaning he lived on the outside of the buckeye playing field(the horse-shoe) so at times i would visit and watch the games and that's when woody hayes was the coach and 2 time Heisman trophy winner was playing(Archie Griffin) but it doesn't explain why he insists on wearing a huge foam #1 on his hand with the index finger sticking out and painting his face(scarlet and grey)especially when no one can see him(except me) i'm the one with the pom poms.

the loss of your best friend

in the summer of 2012(i don't remember the exact date but i think it was in july and hotter than "H", i know it was in july because we missed seeing the fireworks) in cental ohio in the usa, we lost electrical power for nearly a week and it certainly did suck. some lost electricity a few days less or a few days more but no matter how long it sucked. i heard that around one million homes and businesses in and around ohio were without power. getting gasoline was problematic, there were long lines and very few gas stations open. the only good thing that occurred from the experience was that it confirmed my belief that "Electricity is your best friend."

there are some advantages to living out in the country but when power is out, out in the country isn't the place to be for one thing if there isn't any electrical power the water pump doesn't work so having no water is a real treat. a back-up generator helps and we do have one that saved us for several days but it eventually died so there were several items in the refrigerator that had to be disposed of luckily because of the generator all the foods in the freezer were spared.

since the "GREAT POWER FIASCO OF 2012" we've had several small power outages that have lasted mere hours but long enough to confirm my belief that "Electricity is your best friend." if it were possible(and my wife wouldn't object) i think i'd make the big plunge and marry electricity.