christmas,eve (for sara emily):2010

when you think of christmas and you think of elves you imagine the little elves making the toys for santa to give to the good little girls and boys on christmas but in all actuality the elves do much more. there are carpenter elves, plumber elves, tailer elves, maid and butler elves, chef and cook elves, and the list goes on.

once there was a small elf by the name of eve,she lived at the northpole with her family, santa claus, and quite a few other elves, the majority made toys for christmas day but she was even small for an elf, your average elf is probably 3 feet tall and she wasn't much taller than 2 feet with her shoes on,"and those were high heels," even though she was quite old,so i'm sure she was through growing. eve was too small to handle tools for making santa's toys, she often found herself loosing her grip on a big hammer or not being able to reach that first step on a ladder,and even though her family had been making toys for santa for quite a few years. she had been working in santa's workshop simply because it was the family business but she dreamed of being a cook, she eventually did leave the business of making santa's toys and pursued a career in the fast paced world of baking. eve always enjoyed cooking especially baking, cookies, and cakes, even though she was becoming about as wide as she was tall. her baking skills did earn her the title of santa's number 1 baker because her cooking was so delicious and santa didn't seem to concerned about his weight, although mrs. claus had different ideas, she asked eve if she could possibly make a low calorie cookie that santa would enjoy and never realize that it was good for his cholesterol and heart.

 after days of experimentation eve came up with cookie that santa and even the majority of the elve's loved, even some of the pickiest elve's, and mrs. claus , santa loved the cookies and never realized they were actually good for him. mrs.claus was thoroughly relieved knowing that santa will be around for years to come, so were the elve's and the billion's of children in the world.

trip to Z-town

august is typically hot and humid in ohio and today was a typical day in august in ohio. my wife and daughter and i went to the city where the Y bridge is located for my appointment with a urologist. the trip seemed uneventful with the filling out of papers, although there was a horrible smell in the obviously newer building where the urologist was located, they were having problems with there sewage drains so construction people had been called in. my appointment went well i weighed in at 174lbs. my height was 5'7", and i was somewhat concerned because when i was younger i was 5' 10" but that was quite a few years ago(i'll be 55 in several weeks) and i suppose i've settled with age.

the doctor(i hope he knew what he was doing) made a thorough exam of my prostate(since my father had died of prostate cancer at age 56). i'd been to the dr's before and had my prostate checked before but this by far was thorougher, to the point of being just a little uncomfortable,embarrassing and painful, in fact i'm sure(at least it felt like it) the dr. was up to his elbow in my keister.

after my appointment was completed i saw the dr. outside talking to the construction workers as i sat in the car knowing that only moments before he was goosing me like no man had been goosed before, i mentioned this to my wife and daughter and they were repulsed and didn't want to hear this information, T.M.I.( to much information).

i'll be returning september 15th for more testing(painful i'm sure).

uncle

i always remember him as an old man, with a cane and when he was setting it was usually in his rocking chair by a window reading a newspaper or magazine. he died in the 1980's in a retirement home in newark,ohio where i along with my grandparents would visit from time to time, i realize my grandparents would visit more often than me but i was just a kid.i've always been intrigued by some of his eccentric actions and had several questions like "why did he never marry?" "was he gay?""why did he build a brick outhouse?""did he hold a world record for his flatulence?"

when i was younger and living at home with my mother,father, brothers and sisters he would drive practically daily to sit with some other older dudes in front of the small town drug-store. now that i'm older i'm curious to exactly what they were doing on that kinky wooden throne from hell? i'd imagine they were drinking whiskey and having oral sex, maybe even smoking some whacky tobaccy.

dirt floor

when i was in the seventh grade they shipped us to glenford, a small farming community it was around seven miles east of thornville and the students would ride by bus. seventh and eighth grade meant that seventh and eighth grade kids from somerset , glenford and thornville and all the areas between, would combine for the remainder of our intermediate career.

seventh grade was a big change for a small farm-town boy(not that i was small) but i wasn't extra large either. the building that the glenford junior high was held in was once the glenford high school, built possibly earlier in the 1900's(i discovered while in the seventh grade that northern local school district was building a new junior high adjacent to the high school, between somerset, thornville and glenford.

but until the newer junior high was built i spent my seventh grade year at glenford and oh! what an experience. i can still remember the chorus room/industrial arts room was in a separate building(not far from the junior high building possibly 50 feet). lunch was held in the glenford elementary, located across state rt. 204, around 100 yards from the junior high, also the dances for the junior high were held in the elementary gym, i can still remember george harrison's(beatles) "something" and led Zeppelin's "whole lotta love" playing over the elementary p.a. the dances were probably the best thing about seventh grade, and the discovery of girls.

the thing that i found most disgusting about my time at the glenford junior high was the lack of a floor in the boys locker room, it was dirt, hard as concrete from years of small feet tramping over it but dirt. that alone was enough kill the educational spirit but youth conquers all, or at least some, it was a real treat changing for phys.ed.,basketball,football and track, on a dirt floor and the following year(eighth grade) would be spent in a new building and the locker rooms were modern but lacked the down-home crappy ambiance of a dirt floor.

fred

fred and wilma had been married for 28 years and now that all there children were grown and finally on there own fred and wilma decided it was "Me" time. they had two children a girl and a boy. fred wasn't the best father, he wasn't a bad father but he certainly wasn't the best and he always felt just a little bit guilty although he didn't lose any sleep over it, wilma was and is a better than average mother, she is a tremendous grandmother too and fred was good, he loved his grandchildren and looked forward to each time they visited knowing that they eventually would be going home.

fred and wilma had lived in the same small town all there married lives and since the children where grown they decided on moving out and getting a little place in the country where the neighbors weren't constantly up there butt, they could also raise some livestock and even get some cats and maybe a dog, wilma had always loved cats but because of fred, children, and being employed as a secretary wasn't able to have any, fred on the other hand despised cats but since he loved wilma he'd tolerate there presence, at least on a farm they could keep the mouse population down.

after they had moved into the small farmhouse(located about 6 miles from town) they spent there days working in the garden, cleaning up and tending to there 4 cows, 3 goats a dog and 14 cats. wilma loved the cats making sure they always had more than enough to eat and drink and a safe dry place for the expecting mother cats to have there kittens. since early childhood fred hated cats.

in the 1800's phil sheridan said "the only good indian is a dead indian," fred didn't agree with what sheridan said about indians but he did feel the same about cats "the only good cat is a dead cat,", although fred loved wilma, and wilma loved her cats so fred would be nice to wilma's cats only when wilma was within site.

fred and wilma had lived in the country for going on 2 years and already they had  14 cats and that number changed weekly fred thought to himself but fred loved wilma, fred was also certain that wilma had ESP and bionic hearing because the majority of the time when fred was going to thin out the cat "herd" wilma would be there to stop fred and give him a verbal lashing but fred would continue thinning out the feline herd due to the cost of cat food and fred simply didn't care for cats, whenever and wherever fred was to appear on the farm the cats would run from in terror and wilma experienced the exact opposite reaction the cats loved wilma and wilma loved the cats.

the cats began to catch onto fred's routine of elimination and would only be seen by fred when they could see wilma or when fred would accidentally see them and there were getting to be so many cats that he would see them quite frequently. fred found that the kittens were the easiest to eliminate because they didn't know fred was such a cruel, sick bastard.


it was on a saturday in the spring of the year when wilma was in town and fred was doing some work around the house he was planning on preparing the garden by rota tilling it. he went to the barn to get the rota tiller and discovered a cat and her 6 newly born kittens. fred had his usual feelings of guilt but searched for something to club the kittens with. fred found a shovel he thought would do the trick when a cat jumped on his back, suddenly there were several cats scratching and biting. soon every cat on the farm was there paying fred back for his years of abuse and now wilma's a widow.

after the fred incident wilma no longer loved her cats and when the cats killed fred, wilma was left virtually penniless so wilma ate the cats, she became rich and famous with some of her cat recipe's maybe you've heard of kitten on a stick?