URIN-NATOR

when he was younger he was involved in the school athletics's program, physically fit but to shy to excel at any one particular sport but since his days at school were far behind him he had let himself physically go his six pack abs had become twelve pack possibly a case or on certain days a keg abs, also his boyish good looks had gone straight to hell.( in his own mind),when he was younger he could have been a model, now when he said he needed his beauty sleep he certainly meant it. he began looking like the majority of people in the fast food line of your local burger joint and speaking of joints there was hardly a time in the past several years that there wasn't a cigarette or marijuana joint dangling from his powty lips. he found that when his reality was altered by smoking whacky-tobaccy he had an imaginary strength giving him some sort of super-human capabilities that straight he wouldn't think of attempting. also when he had on a good buzz it made him just a little less shy making it just a little easier picking up women(although those women were required to be seeing impaired without morals if possible)..

one particular saturday night he and a friend were just setting around smoking and drinking and being thoroughly obnoxious when they decided he should take it upon himself to punish the ones that had made his life just a little more stressful than it needed to be. they also decided,"possibly due to their altered frame of mind" that a name was called for and some sort of outfit or costume. at the time they couldn't think of a good name but it just so happened there were some old Halloween costume's and accessories in a nearby closet so he began trying things on, he and his friend decided that for his costume a richard nixon mask, antennas(from the year he dressed like an alien), and a tight black leotard body suit that left very little to the imagination it accentuated his beer gut and manhood.

they came to the conclusion that he would be a cross between robin hood,burl ives(who did the narration in the movie rudolph the red nose reindeer), and the Pillsbury doh boy.his friend thought he looked fairly repulsive and thoroughly ridiculous in his outfit but he knew that with the right amount of alcohol in his bloodstream his appearance wouldn't matter, at least to him.he also thought that all super-hero's needed a name so he put a duct tape "U" on his chest and christianed him urin-nator was born(champion to all).

eventually he made it to the car and was on his way to righting societies injustices when the small town's only policeman pulled him over and arrested him for D.U.I.(driving under the influence). so he spent his first evening as a super-hero at the county jail.

when he finally woke the following day his dreams of being a super-hero seemed to have vanished so he threw his outfit away keeping only the "Richard Nixon" mask and wearing it on special occasions and saying "I am not a crook" sounding similar to richard nixon himself.

end of beans

it's the year 4325 and there's a war that nearly causes the extinction of mankind.earth's few inhabitants that are left alive live by their wits scavenging just to survive. surviving on beans (one of the only foods that survived the war), there are several other foods available for consumption ,(such as spam)although survivors find that beans offer more nutrition, are better tasting, not that spam isn't tastey but beans are easily transported(for the survivor on the go), and can be eaten hot or cold, baked or plain(depending entirely on a survivors mood or preference). the survivor's all seem to have a sense of humor about their predicament along with a nasty case of gas making sneaking up on anyone impossible due to the oder and the sound(threat of theft has been eliminated) the survivors of this bean eating apocalyptic event begin squabbling over the small piece or piece's of fat, bacon or whatever that may have been put in the can for that down-home flavor.

the survivor's will barter for beans and/or anything that make survival just a tad easier. there's a plan amongst the survivors to re-populate the earth(at least this was discussed at the "annual survivors sing-a-long and bean recipe swap) but again due to the nasty smell, intercourse is only accomplished on a bet. thus the population of the earth and the remaining inhabitants may dwindle into obscurity which poses the question."ARE THERE BEANS IN HEAVEN" and how does the taliban feel about beans,virgins and Lysol?

scarlet and grey

it was the first game this year for the ohio state buckeye's football team(even though i'll soon be 56 i had butterflies like a school-girl waiting on her date before the prom and she's just eaten an enormous bowl of soup beans) and as usual my brother and i listened to the game(my brother said he had butterflies too) via skype he's in singapore and i'm in newark, ohio in the usa. i suppose you could say we're hard-core buckeye fans but we've been following the buckeyes for years and years, i can remember watching the buckeyes with my father who died of cancer over 20 years ago) and my two brothers in the 1960's. this year seemed somehow different than the games of the past and it wasn't the fact that this year they have a new coach that they were forced to get after last years scandal(although he is a very good coach) and it wasn't that skype didn't come in perfectly throughout the game because it worked fine, at first we had some difficulty with the headphones but we soon remedied that before the game began and the buckeye's did win the game with a score of 55-10(after all they were playing miami of ohio). the first quarter ohio state played pitifully but by the second quarter they'd got their act together.

the game is played at 12:00 noon in ohio but it would be mid-night in singapore so i guess you could say my brother's a devoted hard-core buckeye fan. he graduated sometime in the late seventies and lived at the stadium dorm meaning he lived on the outside of the buckeye playing field(the horse-shoe) so at times i would visit and watch the games and that's when woody hayes was the coach and 2 time Heisman trophy winner was playing(Archie Griffin) but it doesn't explain why he insists on wearing a huge foam #1 on his hand with the index finger sticking out and painting his face(scarlet and grey)especially when no one can see him(except me) i'm the one with the pom poms.

the loss of your best friend

in the summer of 2012(i don't remember the exact date but i think it was in july and hotter than "H", i know it was in july because we missed seeing the fireworks) in cental ohio in the usa, we lost electrical power for nearly a week and it certainly did suck. some lost electricity a few days less or a few days more but no matter how long it sucked. i heard that around one million homes and businesses in and around ohio were without power. getting gasoline was problematic, there were long lines and very few gas stations open. the only good thing that occurred from the experience was that it confirmed my belief that "Electricity is your best friend."

there are some advantages to living out in the country but when power is out, out in the country isn't the place to be for one thing if there isn't any electrical power the water pump doesn't work so having no water is a real treat. a back-up generator helps and we do have one that saved us for several days but it eventually died so there were several items in the refrigerator that had to be disposed of luckily because of the generator all the foods in the freezer were spared.

since the "GREAT POWER FIASCO OF 2012" we've had several small power outages that have lasted mere hours but long enough to confirm my belief that "Electricity is your best friend." if it were possible(and my wife wouldn't object) i think i'd make the big plunge and marry electricity.

Frank's Tavern

when i was younger the only time we ever went to frank's tavern was during wheat harvest while working at the grain elevator, wheat harvest was when the farmers would combine there field or fields of wheat and bring it to the elevator for sale or to sell at a later date. at that time we were to young for beer but old enough for frank's pork tenderloin sandwiches with horse-radish and lordy they were good.(wheat harvest occurred once a year usually around or before july 4th) the sandwich alone was good enough but the horse-radish was tremendous the way it cleared your sinus's and accentuated the already great taste of the meat. as we got older frank's became more to us than a place  for a good sandwich, there was always ample room,and they always had beer even if it was 3.2%, at least until we were 21 years old.

one saturday afternoon in 1968 or possibly 1969 my friends and i dropped by frank's tavern for a few beers and to enjoy several games of pool and play some pin-ball as usual frank's wasn't very busy. suddenly a limousine pulled in and parked at frank's(frank's always had plenty of parking space between the tavern and zion road which was directly in front of the tavern and parking in the rear of the saloon) it was probably a good thing because a limo would have stuck out on zion road it ran by directly in front of frank's tavern and everyone in the country would be wondering "what in the hell is a limo doing at frank's"? it seems that the beetles chauffeur had missed his turn while getting gas then while attempting to get back on I-70 ringo wanted to see some of the sights of central ohio, and the beatles ended up at frank's tavern located in thornport,ohio, near buckeye lake.

shortly before going to frank's my friends and i had enjoyed some of what perry county had to offer and i must say we were all on the verge of a hallucinatory experience and with john,paul, george and ringo at franks we may have been there.


when the beatles entered frank's there were five including the chauffeur and they took a table and ordered Pabst blue ribbon beer after asking ernie my friend what a good domestic beer might be, ernie didn't know exactly what domestic meant but he suggested Pabst blue ribbon, my friends and i introduced ourselves and to my surprise they didn't seem overly annoyed by some of our questions in fact they were asking the majority of the questions primarily about central ohio and buckeye lake, after several beers george insisted on going fishing but was reminded of there flight to a concert later in the day he seemed to forget about the fishing when i recommended the pork loin sandwich with horse-radish. he really enjoyed the sandwich and especially liked the horse-radish, he didn't seem to mind the clear sinus's or the steam escaping from his mouth. after he had finished he recommended the sandwich with horse-radish to everyone else setting around the table at frank's.


after the beers and sandwich and not fishing george had to use the rest-room which under normal circumstances is nothing to write home about but going to the rest-room at frank's was always a nasty chore and after eating horse-radish on your pork tenderloin sandwich and your sinus's were clear as they possibly could be frank's rest-room was the foulest smelling, dirtiest in need of demolition, crime against humanity, but if you've got to go? i suggested he go outside he reminded me of the paparazzi and i reminded him he was at Frank's where whizzing into the canal was a tradition.

soon after returning the remainder of the group were finishing their pork tenderloin sandwiches with horse-radish which they all enjoyed except john and he promised to write a song about it(revolution #9?9 just happened to be the number of times  he dry heaved, i guess he didn't care for horse-radish on his pork tenderloin.

wayne

my older brother visits from Singapore usually once a year and this year we were discussing our father and what we thought of him;he was a good man, a good dad but you wouldn't want to make him mad.( he died in 1991, and my brother agreed). as long as you played by his rules everything was fine, and there were times in my childhood, especially in my childhood that i would feel the sting of his belt or watch my brother fly across a room, although my brother probably deserved this i on the other-hand am nearly a saint but not quite, i did some of my own flying but normally it was into my dad's clinched fist. wayne did have a temper but the majority of the time he was an excellent father always encouraging us athletically and scholastically. growing up he was always taking us on trips/vacations to canada for fishing\leisure, florida for leisure, or to Cincinnati for a reds game,once to columbus, ohio for a columbus checkers hockey game, basketball games, and i'm sure there was more. wayne always provided us with a mode of transportation: a new vega of our own in 1973(it was a piece of crap),  "at least for my brother and myself and my younger brother" then a Volkswagen beetle. i suppose we were spoiled but we didn't  know any better at the time. my older and younger brothers both were college graduates and he was proud of both of them.

in the sixties(1960's) for several years dad flew homing pigeons. on sundays a truck driver would take the pigeons of my father and of the other peoples(members of a pigeon club) hundreds of miles away and release them, the pigeons would instinctively fly home and who's ever would arrive home first would win. i have absolutely know idea what?(possibly a donut?) but they would win. in the seventies my father ran for and became mayor of  thornville. thornville's a small town in ohio with around 1000 people, my father became mayor simply to remove the police chief and for some reason the policeman remained thornville's policeman and my father served only one term possibly because of teenage son's or son.

now when i look back on my childhood i think of all the things that i did or didn't do and wish that i could change but oh frick'n well, i wouldn't change wayne, except for his temper.

dirty dan "ernie" shade

i first met dan shade when we were both in 8th grade, he wasn't a great athlete or extremely smart but he was fun to be around and he had a mini-bike my brother's and i had a honda 50 a small child sized motorcycle. we first got together in bob borings 8th grade industrial arts class dan was a  good carpenter and i wasn't. one of the first things i remember dan saying was,"old macdonald had a cow, the dr.'s don't see how," i also remember his father or mother picking us up after football practice, they lived down around buckeye lake, in a trailer while his father was finishing up a house he was building not more than 30 ft. from the trailer. later that 8th grade year someone(dwight brown?) began calling dan, ernie because he resembled ernie on my three sons.in 9th or 10th grade brian jones hit ernie knocking out two of his front teeth,ernie was the type of guy you occasionally felt like belting but i never did. ernie played football and the only time he played was snapping(hiking), the football for punts, he was probably pretty good but i'm really not sure. after high school graduation dan went to osu in newark at least for several quarters, i also went to osu in newark where we did little or no studying, dan and i majored in partying with a minor in partying, i don't think either one of us was meant for higher education. for several years after the osu experience i lost track of ernie. i married then divorced and ernie had married and was living at some apartments in thornville with his wife and child and step-child, ernie was working as a dry-wall dude in the construction union, and making good money,"although he was still ernie." in 1979 when ernie was still married and living in thornville he and i played tennis probably several times a week, we were actually getting sort of good, we also drank a good amount of beer. in 1979, september, i was involved in a automobile accident, i was in the hospital for 4 months, when i was still in the hospital toward the end of my stay they would allow me to go home over the weekend it must have been on a saturday night that i visited ernie and his wife and kids and our old buddy jim walser also dropped by, the next thing i knew i was falling in the bathtub,"after going to the restroom,i wasn't exposed," just to much punch. shortly after getting out of the hospital ernie,wife, and kids bought a house in newark, it was a nice house on the semi-poor side of town, i don't think they lived there all that long before they bought a home on buckeye lake, a very nice home not far from ernie's parents or thornville. this must have been in 1980 or 1981 i'm really not sure but we were partying as often as possible and just enjoying life. eventually ernie and his wife decided on moving to oklahoma, they were there for a short time before deciding to divorce, so ernie moved back to ohio and the party continued.it was sort of bad for me that he did decide to move back i spent far to much time partying but it was fun. i forgot to mention that ernie wrecked his motorcycle one day at work when his wife went out west before they moved. i never did really like her but whatever.back to dirty dan: it seemed like to me at least, after the motorcycle wreck then his wife leaving him ernie sort of gave up, he no longer had a job, he had one girlfriend make that two girlfriends, but he smoked pot and drank at every opportunity. in 1984 i got married and eventually moved back to thornville to the house in foster manor where i grew up, i really didn't see ernie much, but one day my wife gini and i had a silly fight and i took the car and drove off, down the road towards buckeye lake i happened upon ernie and some ugly girl he was living with(non-sexual). i or we got out of our cars and decided to meet at a bar(the copperpenny), before going in the bar we each took a slug of some 151 gin,that ernie a his friend had been drinking. at the bar we had several beers making getting around quite a chore. ernie and his ugly friend,"she had some dopey looking tattoo's on her arms," and i were discussing god only knows what when for some unknown reason we were asked to leave, it was probably the first time that i was asked to leave,but i did a friend of my little sister,"well she's not really little,i should say younger," she drove me home and boy was my wife mad. i later found out that ernie had been killed going back to newark, and the girl was injured. that was in 1986 ernie would have been 29 or 30, now it's 2009 and ernie was sort of worthless but i miss him.

also: dan "ernie" and i went to several concerts primarily in the 70's while partying.