rug

i don't know if you'd call it vain but i suppose you would, when i was younger "not that i'm quite ready for the bone yard," i had hair, there were people that had more, and some with less, but this was mine and i was proud of it, now i've reached that time in life where i'm losing it, off the top of my head and it's growing everywhere else, the remaining hair on my head is turning gray but the hair growing from my ears and eye brows looks funky and requires constant maintenance, and isn't even turning gray.

since i've been losing hair and the remaining hair has been turning gray i've been cutting it myself with an electric razor it gives you that world war two concentration camp appearance but at this age and stage in life i'm really not to concerned. i also have a spot on the back of my head where there should be hair but there's not, i was in the hospital once and developed a bed sore that was thirty years ago and i've never seen it"except in the mirror," they tell me it's nasty. so along with the buzzed off, with bed sore, concentration camp, hair dew, i appear as a older, past middle-age type dude with a bad hair day.

when i was younger i suppose i was more concerned about my appearance but now that i'm older my priorities have changed and i'm more aware of the cost of gas than whether or not my part is straight, and just think of the money that i'm now saving on hair products.

waste

there's nothing quite as disgusting as human waste, it's bad, real bad, especially if it's someone else's but even if it's yours it's bad. say you're walking down the street and you just happen upon a fresh pile it doesn't really matter who's it is, it's bad. now i've been living and working on my father-n-law's dairy farm for nearly 20 years, where he milks and fattens holstein cattle and holstein's have the cadillac of poop. personally i've never found the aroma to be offensive, any other poop fails in comparison. now baby holstein's are a little rank because of there mom's milk but as soon as they grow and no longer need mom there fine. chicken, turkey, and other members of the bird family are really bad, hog poop is really bad, the methane can cause you to pass out, now that's pretty bad. horse poop is sort of alright, depending on the horse's diet, and many other animals i've yet to experience the aroma from there poop,

farming

less than nothing, and all the cow droppings you'd ever want.

tuck it

i'm now 52 years old and it seems i can no longer tuck in my shirt and appear normal,"i really should take this opportunity to apologize to my mother,wife, and friends for not being better looking," it could be that at this age i simply don't care,"that would be a lie," i blame my weight gain on the lack of cigarettes, i smoked for quite a few years and i quit, knowing of the health risks and ridiculously high price of cigarettes but i didn't realize that i would know longer be able to tuck my shirt in. you absolutely never look at a magazine or really see anyone," other than someone with a big gut," with an untucked shirt. maybe it is my age, or my constitution but i really do miss it. so i started smoking again, and i haven't smoked in nearly 3 years, food definitely tasted better not smoking, maybe that was the problem? at any rate at the funeral home after i die from some tobacco related illness they'll be able to have an open casket viewing because hopefully i'll have lost the extra gut weight and i'll be able to tuck my shirt in, although i am 52 i think my dream of becoming a male model have faded, lets eat.

reunion

we were planning on a family reunion since all my brothers and sisters would be in town. my mother had quite abit of the summertime favorites, but none of mine,i was hoping for beans. my cousin's also attended the reunion, it's always nice to see them, i'd practically forgotten that they use to tease me about my uni-brow. after dinner we played croquet, my father use to tell my brothers,"now let your brother win, you know how he gets when he doesn't win," this time,since dad died," my brothers didn't let me win, so i took the croquet mallet and disciplined my brothers then i shot my mother and cousins, next time maybe they'll remember the beans. all i needed, and wanted was beans preferably baked, and served hot, maybe a variety of beans, with pork or bacon, i can taste them now, even now with my family all around me, of course they're not quite so active, and the teasings have stopped.

the almost ripe but not quite, killer tomato

rupert always enjoyed gardening probably more than most and now that he was retired he planned on spending the majority of his time in the garden tending to his vegetables. maggie, ruperts wife, was also a retiree, she had taught school for more than 35 years, and now ,"she'd tell rupert," it was," me," time. winter was finally coming to a close, the robins were building there nests and the trees were getting there leaves back. rupert woke up one morning and told maggie,"i think i'll till,and plant the garden today, it's lovely out and i'd like the plants to get an early start." so rupert ate his breakfast, probably pop tarts, he always loved pop tarts and maggie made,"the best," pop tarts everytime to ruperts specifications, almost burnrt. after finishing the last bite of his brown sugar cinnomen, nearly burnt pop tart he went to the small garden shed in the rear of his yard, the shed was in horrible shape but he never got around to cleaning it up, it's not that rupert was lazy, it's just that something was always coming up. next door to rupert and maggie lived stu, everyone said he was gay but rupert never saw him with anyone, boy or girl. but stu loved his pit bulls, he must have had five or six, and rupert noticed they were always different. there was talk around town that stu and his buddies where using dogs for dog fighting, but no one actually had proof. rupert got his rotatiller and several garden tools out, first he dumped out the old gas, added some fresh gas and the rotatiller started right up, rupert headed for the garden and began the tilling job. after he had gone over it several times he walked back to the garden shed and got the tomato plants, along with seeds, the water hose, and some fertilizer he made himself, last winter in the basement while maggie was watching her favorite soap opera, he put some weird things in a tub and mixed them together, they weren't all weird but the nuclear industrial waste seemed sort of odd. rupert had started three of the tomato plants, he'd started them in late february and he knew that it wouldn't be to long before he and maggie would be eating garden fresh tomato's," he liked,alot." he also liked the other vegetables,but there was something about tomato's that he really loved but he never really cared for them while growing up. it had been several weeks and rupert had been weeding and rotatilling his garden on an almost daily basis, maggie walked out to the garden and couldn't believe how great it looked,their was excitement in her voice when she praised rupert,"look there's already tomato's starting." several more weeks go by and with rupert's rotatilling, weeding and applications of his homemade fertilizer rupert has a award winning garden, alot of the townspeople notice and comment to rupert or maggie. rupert just lately had been noticeing that something had been getting into the tomato plants, rupert was really mad because the plants were just startng to put on tomato's. rupert sat up one night till 3am hopeing he could see what had been getting into his garden, he thought it was probably a rabbit or possibly a growndhog. at around 2:30 rupert saw something that he referred to as disgusting, it seemed that one of stu's pit bulls were in the garden haveing it's way with the tomato plants(humping). rupert was really mad and took a shot at him, he had know idea if he actually hit the dog since the light was horrible, rupert wasn't a very good shot, and rupert purchased the gun at an auction several years earlier. but the dog yelped and rupert never had problems with his garden again. it must have been around 1 month later that maggie and rupert decided to have blt's(bacon,letttuce&tomato sandwich), for supper, maggie was crazy for blt's especially with garden fresh tomato's. she'd fried up the bacon, had the lettuce in the refrigerator,and rupert told her there were several nearly ripe, slightly green tomato's in the garden. maggie walked to the garden with one of those plastic grocery bags from wally world or somewhere. it was nearly dark when maggie got to the garden, she watered the pepper plants with the hose rupert forgot to put away earlier in the day, then she noticed a shooting pain in her right arm,she was wondering if it was a heart attack but she had always heard that your left arm goes numb, she was beside the tomato's and rupert had constructed a sturdy fence for the tomato's to grow on, so the tomato's weren't damaged when maggie leaned against them, they weren't quite ripe. then she looked at her right arm, it was missing and the blood was squirting out where the arm should be. the tomato was eating her and there was nothing she could do. maggie dropped to the ground while the tomato feasted, what a way to go. later rupert went to the garden, he knew maggie was planning on having blt's for supper but he couldn't understand what was takeing her so long. when rupert arrived at the garden there was know trace of maggie the tomato had devoured her clothes and all their were no remains, the light didn't allow rupert to even see maggie's wedding ring. rupert was also eaten by the killer tomato.the only thing that i can figure out is rupert's homemade fertilizer combined with the pit bull sperm made for a killer tomato.

a bird

your family loves you, i love you, so don't do anything in a bad moment, don't do anything stupid